My first pregnancy was complicated by an illness. I was told the baby might have birth defects. I let this change my mind from keeping the baby. I didn’t consider the fact that I was playing God, deciding whether this baby lived or died because I had been told it was a fetus, it was yet a baby. They say that 12 weeks and under are considered a fetus. I’ve seen the ultra sound of a 12 week old fetus and know better now. I’ve also smoked and drank with my last two babies which I was told would damage the babies and they are healthy, intelligent and talented. I’m not saying it’s right to put your baby at harm when your pregnant, you just shouldn’t use that as an excuse. A lot of special people full of life and love are handicapped.

I went in expecting to be put under, wake up and go on with my life. I went to the doctor and she did ask why I waited so long, I was 12 weeks and I asked her would she have done it without the money. I had to come up with the money and I had planned on keeping the baby until the last couple of weeks.

She put me under and I woke up with a horrible tearing pain deep inside me. My baby was holding on for dear life and I wasn’t meant to miss it. I moaned and heard the doctor shout out that I needed more anesthesia. I awoke with a terrible empty filling. I was told to get dressed and I was led out. I will never forget the sadness I felt.

That sadness continued to grow when I got pregnant the next two times. I seen the ultra sound of my first son at 5 months. He was hitting or boxing with something in front of his face. I asked what he was hitting and they said he was trying to get my bladder out of his face. He wasn’t use to having it so big since you have to drink so much water before an ultrasound. It dawned on me, he can think. Hey, this is in my way!

My second son’s ultrasound also showed a thought process. He was putting his thumb in his mouth and pulling it right back out. He did this over and over as if deciding if he wanted to suck it or not. After he was born he wouldn’t take a pacifier. I tried to force one on him afraid he would suck his thumb. He never did. He made that decision in the womb.

I had a nightmare when pregnant with my oldest son about some evil person chasing me around a table trying to hit me in the stomach in order to hurt my baby. I woke up sobbing with my husband concerned. I couldn’t tell him the cause behind the dream for I was too ashamed. He finally, accidentally found out and was hurt that I hadn’t told him. I was upset because I thought he should understand that there is no good time to tell someone. You carry the hurt and shame quietly.

I was baptized as a young teen and was in church for a couple of years and then fell away. I’ve been finding my way back for several years now. I realized what a terrible sin I committed.

It’s by the Lord’s love and forgiveness that I’ve had the courage to first tell my sons what I did to their brother or sister, then to be able to tell you. I do this for him, for the babies, and for the mothers so they never have to spend their lives with the hurt I’ve felt.

God Bless,